Chuck Norris Facts
Chuck Norris Facts by Kracov
When a boa constrictor tries to strangle Chuck Norris, the boa constrictor dies of suffocation.
Giraffes have long necks because they pecked at Chuck Norris' beard, so he kicked their heads upward.
Chuck Norris does not need a iPod, he carries around a Ham Radio and downloads music from all his movies.
Moby Dick was actually a true story about Chuck Norris destroying ships with a whale he hijacked.
In the movie, Basic Instinct, Sharon Stone's vagina was actually Chuck Norris' head. He enjoyed her vagina.
Werewolves do exist- they are born whenever Chuck Norris accidentally ejaculates into his beard.
Chuck Norris does not use a shovel. He uses his beard to dig it all up in one scoop.
The stock market is actually a tally on how many people Chuck Norris has killed.
Chuck Norris' endzone dance involves him grabbing the ground, pulling it out, and spiking it on the ball.
Lightning storms happen when Chuck Norris is scratching his beard.
Chuck Norris does not need spare tires. He wraps himself around the rims and forces someone to drive him home.
Norris does not need to buy clothes. He roundhouse kicks a bull to tear
into it's skin and wear it. The skin then morphs into clothing.
Chuck Norris burns DVDs by staring at the TV and holding the DVD in his mouth.
Chuck Norris would use guns if they didn't kill groups of people so slowly.
Hitler didn't want to kill himself. Chuck Norris had shown up in his
bunker and Hitler knew what was coming so he shot himself to save
himself the pain of Chuck's wrath.
Chuck Norris predicts the weather by looking at his mood ring from a box of Fruity Pebbles.
two, Chuck Norris is coming for you, three four, better lock your door,
five six, grab your crucifix, seven eight gotta stay up late, nine ten,
bend over and kiss your ass goodbye...
Chuck Norris can speak Morse Code in all languages.
Chuck Norris can send faxes by speaking into the phone jack.
When Chuck Norris does the robot, people die.
you see the reflection of Chuck Norris in a mirror, he's kicking your
ass in it, even though it's not happening in real time.
We didn't find Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq because Chuck Norris ate them as part of his Jenny Craig diet.
For breakfast, Chuck Norris eats napalm on toast, drinks nitrous oxide, then eats a herd of cattle.
Chuck Norris has a tattoo of a battleship on his back. When he flexes his back, the battleship kills people.
When Chuck Norris calls for phone sex, the women have orgasms instantly, and they pay him $1,000 a minute.
time a Coke Machine didn't drop a can for Chuck Norris. He disembowled
it and all the change fell out. The Coke Machine cried and dropped a
Coke. To this day, all soda machines now drop cans whenever Chuck
Norris is near.
Chuck Norris equals the mass of the speed of his foot kicking your ass squared.
Chuck Norris Top +100 Facts
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed
in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to
spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing
around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.
Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the
doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris
can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
How many roads
must a man walk down before you can call him a man? No one knows, but
Chuck didn't have to walk down any, and questioning his manhood tends
to result in Sudden Infant Death Syndrome--no matter what your age.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you
know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured
this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever
saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.
Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely
mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck
Norris is watching.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.
Norris raped Tony Danza and Bruce Springsteen simultaneously one day
just to make them aware that Chuck Norris is the fucking boss.
Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.
Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape.
Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different
kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30
minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris once went on
Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every
question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a
contestant answered every single question right.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.
Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your
erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to
last for up to 15 days.
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with
magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire
with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the
1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out
of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4
card from the game UNO.
They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.
Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only
a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has
not had to pay taxes ever.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school,
his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris
received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly
turning in the paper.
Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris' spice rack contains, in order: Cayenne pepper, Tabasco sauce, blood, essence of pain, and weapons-grade plutonium.
Chuck Norris thought Arnold's movie "Commando" was lacking in senseless killings.
Chuck Norris once wrote 1 horoscope for everyone. It predicted pain.
The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".
Chuck Norris gave cats nine lives so he could kill them more.
In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.
dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on
its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well
Chuck Norris once won the Gold, Silver and Bronze in the Women's Bobsled. No one ever questioned how he did it.
Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then
he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
Norris loves playing Horseshoes. But nobobdy has ever built up the
courage to tell Chuck that throwing midgets at gigantic piece of rusty
metal is not the way everyone else plays.
During a prostate exam,
Chuck Norris' doctor found 3 severed, gloved index fingers in his
rectum. When the doctor asked what the last 3 doctors had done to earn
their fate, Chuck Norris explained that they all said "You're not so
tough now are you?"
Heart disease may be the new leading cause of
death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading
cause of death in men age 0 to 125.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Not only does Chuck Norris talk in the third-person, he sees in the third-person.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.
Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a
turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall
and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.
Norris owns 3 pit bulls and 2 dobermans, yet if you go near his
property the only sign you see is "Beware of Chuck Norris".
says that the people who wear those fake arrow hats for Halloween are
pussies. To prove it, Chuck stuck an arrow through his own head.
Norris once killed 5 people in less than a second. The only thing he
said after this incident was, "Damn it, when Chuck Norris doesn't want
Girl Scout cookies, Chuck Norris doesn't want Girl Scout cookies."
you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best
to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets
thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.
Women never say no to Chuck Norris. Even if they don't want to, they know its eventually gonna happen.
The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.
asked why he round-house kicked an entire school of children Chuck
Norris replies "I don't like Mondays." When informed that it was
Tuesday he replied "I still don't like Mondays."
People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Chuck Norris.
man once attempted to give Chuck Norris a hug. Chuck proceeded to kick
the crap out of the man. Chuck Norris' father was confined to a
wheelchair from that day on.
Chuck Norris doesn't tea-bag, he potato-sacks.
Chuck Norris uses Viagra eyedrops so he can look hard.
Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Norris' only pick up line is him snapping his fingers, pointing at a
girl, and then pointing to his bulge. Chuck Norris gets it all the time.
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.
Chuck Norris' mother called him "Charles" once. Once.
Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people's teeth, though.
Until 1983, all Chuck Norris movies were filmed with a hidden camera.
Chuck Norris uses the Holy Grail for beer and Mr. Pibb.
As a poor college student, Chuck Norris went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash. He retired later that day.
are currently 5 viruses in population that could eradicate the worlds'
population in less than a week. They are lying low because Chuck Norris
does not like competition.
When a tsunami happens, it’s because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean.
Chuck Norris poops light sabers.
Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.
Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris threw it.
Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.
Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.
Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.
Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits.
If Chuck Norris were a ballet dancer, he’d strangle you gracefully with his tutu. And then himself.
Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.
Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.
The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
Even Chuck Norris can’t believe nobody Chuck Norrised this guy a long time ago